Second, not long after becoming a Christian, I was reading the Bible in the Psalms. As I read, this verse stood out to me "Come and listen, all who love and honor God, and I will tell you all that He has done in my life and heart." (Ps. 66:16 paraphrase). In that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and has confirmed it again and again, that this verse is my life verse. I have a very clear sense that the Lord wants me to share with willing listeners, all the amazing things He does in my life. These amazing things most often happen through very difficult experiences and through the many ugly parts of who I am. So before you think that I am blithely running exposed in front of everyone just for the fun of it, please know that I am not. It is NOT fun to feel like "The Emperor with No Clothes" before all who read this. It is just that I love Jesus so much that if doing this shines light on His love and kindness, then I do it gladly despite the painfulness of it.
So off we go. We return to where we left off. I, the control-freak, know-it-all, super-woman home-schooling ninja sending Tim off to Uganda. I previously mentioned that we moved and where we moved was tiny. Well, tiny and full of moving boxes is not a great combination. But I, having moved 21 times in my life, felt no fear. I had this under control. I would get the girls to help me unpack, I would direct and our house would be set up and even cute in no time. Mistake Number one: trying to turn your children into unpaid labor (uncovering the fact that they were never trained to just be helpful). I could not understand why the kids weren't motivated. Couldn't they just SEE in their mind's eye the order that was just oh, I don't know, a hundred steps away?? Why was it that they got tired after working just a couple of hours? I wasn't asking them to do heavy labor, just reorganize our entire life and its contents, in a week's time and happily, what was the problem with them? So there I began the downward spiral. I think it took 2, maybe 3 days for me to begin stressing, being "frustrated" and the lecturing. Not that I had never done this before, it just took on a new intensity.
Then after busting our gills to unpack, well, we needed to continue the girl's education. Due to all that had occurred between Nov. 1st and Jan. 1st, everyone was slightly behind in their work. But I would fix that. We would be on a schedule, all listed boldly on posters on the wall, and we would catch up. Why, after having our children all of these years, did I make ANOTHER schedule? It is because I keep thinking if I create the perfect schedule, all of my imaginative, opinionated, thoughtful, active and talkative children will magically sit down at a desk and work, for as long as needed to get their work done. I rearranged rooms, bought new furniture, got new alarms set on my phone, so that what had not been accomplished in 15 years would happen overnight. Mistake Number Two: trying to make your children into something they aren't. Now, if you asked me if I wanted different children, to trade with someone who had compliant, quiet, and un- opinionated children, I would have been offended. But when I am yelling at them about "why won't you just sit still??? why can't you get ANYTHING done?" I was really saying, "I want a child who sits still, you are not right." Now who can blame me? I certainly thought that they were being very difficult. Schoolwork went from getting a small amount done to almost non-existent. Finally, Maggie just had to quit going to her home school "class" because she had no idea what they were talking about each week. This is all at the hands of the homeschooling-mom-ninja who was going to make school run like a clock. You may wonder how education fit into this picture. Well, it worked liked this, if they got any work done, then I was happy and felt productive. If they did not get work done, then I felt unhappy and unproductive. Since very little work was done, I was constantly unhappy and unproductive. These feelings made me mad. I got "overwhelmed" by their "lack of schoolwork" but looking back now, I was really much more worried about how what they did made me feel about me. Therefore I did not feel good about me and it resulted in more stress, being "really frustrated" and lecturing more, but not in them being better educated.
Enter in the phone calls and blog posts from my husband, recounting vividly his incredible encounters with people in Africa, his energy, his happiness (without ME?!?!?!?), and general passion for what he was doing. People were growing in Christ, and Tim was having constant confirmations that he was doing what God wanted him to do.Though I was convinced about that he was supposed to be in Uganda, I was not so convinced that it was fair that my calling was to be in a 5 room house with 3 girls, and homeschooling. There was no glory. As my journal says "I was struggling with jealousy" that he was superman saving the day in Uganda and I was his Lois Lane, at home trying to force my children to do "what they were supposed to do". So what did I do? Well, I did what any kind, loving wife would do in those moments. I wrote him and email, and what an email it was. Basically, I berated him for not being "thankful enough" for "all I was doing" at home that "made his work possible". It is amazing how deceived I was. But I pitched a fit. Really. A fit. When he called me to talk about "the" email, my jealous anger only simmered for a moment, then it burst into full flame. I yelled, I cried, I groaned, poor pitiful me; enough to send the kids into a frenzy and make Tim feel like a full on jerk. Thus began a break between us. I just couldn't believe him when he said he loved me and the kids as much as he loved what he was doing. He was just so impassioned in Africa. So I said "you never act this passionately about what is going on at home". Mistake number 4: trying to make my husband give me a sense of worth and value. I gave him an impossible job and correspondingly he failed. In my eyes though, he just wasn't "doing enough" to show us that we were so valuable.
By this time, we are two weeks away from going to see Tim in Africa. All that is really happening in our apartment is arguments and criticism. I am in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed and my insides feel charred from all the churning I was doing. So what did I do? GET MORE ORGANIZED. MORE CONTROL. I had a family meeting, set down new rules, new plans and began let's call it, Operation Calm, Quiet, Contained and Happy. I knew that things were not going well, I knew that I was furious all the time, screaming at the kids and then telling them not to scream at me. I was a mess. I never "had time" to go to the grocery, exercise, help Maggie with school, talk to family, talk to friends, do our finances because things were out of control and it was really the" kids fault" for not being "cooperative". I was a victim. Thus Mistake number 5: trying to control my life instead of facing the painfulness of it.
Well, bottom line, more control did not work. By this time it was time for us to leave for Africa. I departed stressed to the brim, reeking of chaos, biting and distant with my family and dreading to go. I did not want to go there and live with Superman. But I had to go, dragging my feet all the way.
This story is much bigger than I realized and so I think that it will be a four part piece. Otherwise this blog will take much longer to read than you want to take reading it AND I will get no sleep. So sorry to leave you hanging again. But until next time...
 |
| Valentines from Africa did not say enough to satisfy me. |
No comments:
Post a Comment